Postmodern "Christians"

Here's some sarcasm from some guys who do great student ministry at Redwood Chapel in California.(http://www.redwoodvanguard.org)


How to Become the Postmodern Equivalent of a Christian:

Christianity is not about truth. Rather, Christianity is merely a “spiritual” self-help program designed to make you feel good about yourself.

To become the postmodern equivalent of a Christian is to make Christianity a hobby and to:

Avoid anything that might remind you that you are a sinner.

Feel good about some fuzzy idea of Jesus and wear a cross necklace because somehow these two—Jesus and the cross—are connected.

Live as you always have (try not to laugh if someone mentions “repentance”) but make sure you say the magic words that will force God to let you into Heaven when you die.

Realize that now you will receive the arbitrary gift of Heaven when you die, but until then, it really doesn’t matter.

That’s all there is to it. Now you can invoke “Jesus feelings” whenever you want and you can feel slightly less embarrassed when Christian sentences are sometimes unavoidably voiced in public.

Here’s What the Postmodern Equivalent of Christians Do:

Since you feel really good about yourself and God, you might feel like you should occasionally give lip-service to Jesus Christ. When it is convenient, here are some suggestions:

The ultimate test of a religion is the feelings it generates. Thus, you should seek out feelings because Christianity only has value insofar as it makes you feel good.

Remember that faith has nothing to do with the real world and is merely a blind leap in the dark. Since it is a blind leap, there is no need to study about it. Besides, study can be demanding and sometimes, not even fun—and who wants a hobby that’s not fun? Not only that, someone might accuse you of being too intellectual.

When you have nothing better to do, or when you’ve done everything else (all the really important stuff), pray, open the Bible, and say some Christian sentences or phrases. Here’s how:
*Prayer: Ask God for stuff (because you deserve it) and implore Him to help you out when you are in a jam (making promises you don't
intend to keep is a useful technique).

*Bible: Occasionally open it to find isolated verses to justify what you want to do. The random open-and-point method is also useful. Actually studying the Bible is rarely recommended unless it is augmented with an entertaining video (commentary by movie stars, athletes, and contemporary Christian musicians is a plus).

*Christian Sentences: Occasionally say things like, “I’ll pray about it,” or, “Praise the Lord.” Particularly useful is the phrase “spirit-led” because nobody knows what it means.

Christianity is an individual thing and your faith is a private affair, so there is no need to discuss this with anyone. Particularly avoid those who take this Christianity stuff way too seriously.

As you can see, Christianity has nothing to do with real life. Thus, you should give your primary efforts and the bulk of your energy to getting on in the world (that is, getting on with real life) and when you occasionally feel “spiritual,” try the above suggestions.

Since Christianity has nothing to do with truth or the real world, the church really isn’t that important. But if you feel like you have to go occasionally, here’s what you should look for:

Look for the most entertaining worship services possible. Most churches are boring and haven’t learned what the rest of the world seems to understand—that fun is the highest virtue. By the way, some churches might talk about “joy,” but you want fun because joy can be boring.

It should provide “talks” and small-group therapy to meet your felt needs. Lots of “How to…” and “Three Steps Toward…” lessons are a good indicator. Also look for words like successful, integrated, happy, and financial in the lesson titles.

Make sure there are plenty of entertainers, “facilitators,” and leaders (they used to be called “ministers”) trained in creativity (that’s the most important trait in a minister…uh, leader). Of course, an excellent sound and light man is a must, as is a competent drummer.

Look for a place with good sightlines towards the stage (if they call it an alter, run away quickly). Stadium seating with cup-holders is a good sign. Choose a place that your postmodern-Christian-equivalent-friends call exciting and fun. If they use words like true or demanding, you know that place will soon get boring.

The basic rule to remember is that you are the Christian consumer and thus, you are in charge. So, find a church that understands this and will cater to your every whim. If it gets all uppity and starts telling you what to do and begins invading your private space, then it is probably old-fashioned and probably has ministers (uh, leaders) who haven’t learned the difference between the real world and spirituality. Keep this in mind and you can begin the fun of church-hopping and church-shopping today!


Top Ten ways to stop growing in Christ…or… How to be the average Christian:

1. Believe what you see in the movies and on television
(Actually, nobody really believes it, but you should think the worldviews and attitudes and priorities depicted are normal and desirable and you should do your best to copy them…especially unconsciously. For instance, everybody knows that homosexuality is normal and that premarital sex has no negative consequences…right? Those seemingly innocent teen magazines for girls are useful too; you should take them especially seriously.)

2. Date someone who is not a Christian
(This works best if you will date an unbeliever but expect him or her to behave like a believer. For you girls: if you can, convince yourself that you are dating him in order to witness to him. In any case, make sure you date based on looks alone. This will insure that you have a better reputation because you are seen with only the most beautiful people, and it eliminates having to get to know someone and what he or she believes. Hopefully, you will “fall in love,” and as you know from television and movies (see reason number 1), that feeling is irresistible.)

3. Make sure that not one of your friends is a stronger Christian than you are
(Nowadays, this is actually rather easily accomplished. If none of your friends is stronger than you, chances are good that you will never have to bother with being challenged or convicted. Of course, the best situation would be to insure that none of your most intimate circle of friends is a Christian at all. Make sure you have “church” friends and that they are different from your “real” friends.)

4. Go to church for what you can get rather than for what you can give
(Of course, this works best if what you are looking to get is not what you should be looking for in the first place. See below.)

5. When attending church, evaluate everything using categories like “exciting” or “boring”; never “true” or “false” (Admittedly, these categories don’t have to be mutually exclusive, but you don’t want to have to take the time and energy necessary to cultivate the attitude that finds truth exciting in and of itself. You want fleeting excitement like the kind associated with being entertained. Remember: most of the stuff at church is boring and boredom is the worst sin in our society. You should never be bored.)

6. Get so busy with everything else that you have no time for church things
(This works best if the things you are involved in are not necessarily bad things. In fact, it is better if they are good things; that way, there is no guilt or conviction that you are giving God your leftovers. Remember, church is all fine and good up to a point, but you have to have priorities.)

7. Make sure that your CD collection is larger than your library (your book collection) (There’s nothing intrinsically evil about CDs or listening to music. What we’re saying is that you should make it a priority rather than an amusement. Christian CD’s are especially useful if you can convince yourself that they are a substitute for study.)

8. Watch as much TV as you can
(This is not just for content (as useful as that is), but for the mindset this produces. The more television you watch, the more you will be controlled by feelings and images and the less able you will be to generate a sustained train of thought. And this, of course, leads to lack of concentration and the need to be constantly stimulated (see reason number 5). Get to the point where you can watch MTV and think there is nothing wrong with it. If you already think that, then you don’t have to worry about not growing in Christ.)

9. Never allow silence in your life.
(If you are not careful, silence can creep up on you and before you know it, you start thinking and examining yourself and your life and…there is no telling where all that stuff can lead. Keep your headphones on and stay distracted no matter what.)

10. Don’t confuse Christianity with the real world
(Remember that Christianity is neat and useful up to a point, but you have to live in the “real world.” You’ve got to do all you can to “get along in the world” and “be at home in the world,” so focus on what’s going to help you do those things. Also, tell yourself that facing temptations you could easily avoid will help you to be a Christian in the “real world” and that those others are just sheltered. If the teachings of Christ seem to get in the way of that, just remind yourself that you know what the real world is like and your youth leaders don’t. After all, they have taken this Christianity stuff a bit overboard, don’t you think?)